Anxiety Personified
She,
a tall beast
starting a forest fire.
Worry consumes her like
the open mouth of a flame.
In fact she is all flame
bulldozing through my mind
like a wrecking ball
burning with questions.
What if are you sure aren’t you scared
she croons lovingly into my ear,
her voice like seagulls crying in the wind
making room for the
sweet melancholy of depression.
I fold her hands gently
and push them away.
Not today.
I wrote this two weeks ago at 4 am. I’ve been having on and off pregnancy insomnia for the past few months and it was during one of those anxious-I-can’t-stop-thinking moments that I opened the notes section on my phone to write.
I’ve been going back and forth between excitement to meet my baby and feeling anxious because I don’t know if I’m ready. Some days when I’m trying to picture her face, I feel such a rush of excitement that I wish I could give birth at that moment and hold her already. I feel mentally prepared and ready to get it over with. Other days I think of all the things I have left to do in her nursery room and in the house in preparation. I think of all the things that could go wrong- like what if labor is extremely painful because of my scoliosis, what if I bring her home and have no idea what to do, what if I feel overwhelmed? Or, the most terrifying, what if she dies? Once you’ve lost a baby, the thought will be always there, lingering in the back of your mind like a caged animal waiting to pounce and wreak havoc on your mind.
I am grateful for a God that speaks to me in these moments of anxiety and says, “Peace! Be still!” (Mark 4:39). A God who smoothes over my creased brows and calms the waves of worry as tumultuous as the sea within my heart. A God who let’s me know that I don’t need to stress on being a good enough mother because He is enough, and I am enough through Him. I don’t know what’s coming, but I trust the One with me, holding my hand every step of the way, teaching me the selflessness of motherhood through his own mothering and taking care of me.
